Ry Na

You brighten my day when all I see is black and thorns.
When I hide my face away from the world you search to seek it out.
Fallen down, risen up, you never seem to fail
to make the darkest sky turn a shade of light,
you're the best contradiction of betrayal.
what would I do without this air supply you feed
me when I'm not my best?
like a knife stabbing right through my chest, I can put that to rest
I only need all that I've got
this is belated but not forgot
I could be the poster child of failure or the pretty face of the next best scene
you're there with me
causing trouble, making fun, or the last to leave
the party
You find the right words even when I can't speak
how the hell do you do that?
whatever it may be, I Luv you back.

Ive got a map that leads to nowhere else but to your old house

fallen from the top, if I was ok, do you think I would be smiling? Randomly boarded a plane in canada and flew away to the place I once was on the shores of being 12.
I want to sit on stokes bay with you, shells underneath my feet, cant take my shoes off because there's no soft sand. just dead seaweed, sharp edged seashells, pebbles and the cold english wind.
picking berries from where we shouldn't, getting stung on the legs by the leaves and prickles of the bushes. walking everywhere to anywhere with you towering over me. the tv flickering at past my bedtime and the smell of sherry from down the hallway. I'll open a bottle to remind me of you in every way I possible can without a photo in my view.
I miss having fish and chips for tea at your house. being outside in the sunshine with you inside making tea. I miss you over on sundays and the never ending smile that you are. I miss the taste of cooking you made me eat even if I didn't want it. farmhouse cake will always be my favourite and first choice.

his name was patrick

he's not bleeding on the dance floor just to keep you entertained

intermission

alberta prairies are green. so much open space makes me helpless. hopeless. the blue skies blanket. the sunset kisses the horizon. i'm blind and cant see. what a pretty gorgeous view. there is no city traffic. no crosswalks. no parking meters. no trash or screeching cars, c-trains, smog. nothing but the sound of crickets on the pond. coyotes in the distance. on the deck is the best spot. take a photo. capture a moment in time forever. it will last. time passes. who's keeping track. i love this place. it reminds me to remind myself of myself. take a moment. moments don't last forever; pictures do; my parent's house. mosquitoes are vampires any time of the day. can't use enough repellent. it's 9 on a thursday night. i'm on a bus to edmonton. no tv. no radio. thank goodness for my headphones and notebook. distract me from 3 hours travel. i miss my parents. my sisters. my brothers. my niece. is this how rock stars feel on tour? the sun disappears behind the gray clouds. the sign says 'welcome to Leduc'. 20 minutes to go. I miss my 4 dogs.

young hollywood from a newspaper clipping

everyone's looking for their 15 minutes of fame, but hollywood's only got 5
still alive in the city of lies, what you see is not all the same

have you heard the news you're dead?
dead and gone, no longer the life of the party
everyone's gone, you stand alone

innocence lost mixed a lethal chemical love affair
will end intoxicating despair
the streetlights shine too bright for you to bare
you're someone who can't remember their former self to compare

have you heard the news that you're dead?
dead and gone, now the afterlife of the party
everyone's forgot, u stand little child lost

Fix the ruby red with another hit to reason
car crash disaster is the rage this season
once upon a time you were someone to believe in

have you heard the news that you're dead?
dead and gone (dead on arrival)
no longer listed for the party
they say: "who's the new fix this week?'
you say: "you can't ever forget about me."

someone elses trash is someone elses gold

this cafe has no air conditioning. everyone is sufforcating in the heat
I couldnt care less because I still have half a cup of coffee
the street outside is filled with rushing traffic. this is what it feels like to be downtown again
Maybe when I'm here for good I'll get sick of the day in day out regergitated vernim
who call themselves career men and women. I never want to be like them.
no time to stop and smell the roses, disconnect from my life on the phone, wear a suit of contradiciton and no room for anything else but work.
I can walk everywhere my feet take me and the buses always run
I've got my headphones to tune out the noise of the traffic with my favourite songs
as long as I have enough batteries I'll be just fine.
A homeless man digs inside the trash can, another sleeps in the park green. different walks of people come here. they all have different faces, different stories, different scars, different pasts. the city at its best. or worst. I havent figured it out yet. Spring, summer, autumn and winter always feel different but the city never is. Just enough to make anyone feel like this is their home.

my shoes hurt.

I dont believe...

you've lied to me for the first time
you've stolen from me for the last
you'll be honest to yourself again
you've taken a chance on a friend

I've lied to you before
I've helped you at the final straw
I'll ever turn my back on you
I won't be around for you when you need me

You let things go
You make the right choices for yourself
You never run too far
You'll never find your way home

I've seen you at your worst
I've ever been so cursed
I can make you understand
I'm not available to you by demand

we're better off not friends
we'll never be there for each other
we'll leave the other behind
we'll grow old and alone

Next

Mornings are the next best thing
to the next best thing I've never experienced.
Bring the kettle to the boil and taste the car crash of me
vs the daydreams as a child

Newspaper clippings remind me of a world
I used to want to know
in the back of my mind to my youth on a skateboard
Each day seems simple when you're twelve and nothing to lose
everything to gain
so easy to walk out the door, what does the world have to say?

ill drink my tea before it gets cold and Ill have to make another
sun scalding through the window kiss the freshly cleaned floor
one chore crossed off the list and more to go
these are the days that remind me who am I talking too?

not just a natural blonde, but a professional "how do I do it?"

I would post more about myself if i could figure this all out.

until then here's my AOL: SmashingBex

some people have never heard of you

cross the road to get to the other side
got a ticket for jaywalking
pay your fine
pay the man who promises to lead you down the aisle
roll the dice like they do in vegas and stay better betting for a while
sat on the sidelines
waiting for the game
are you the same person I once knew
or did the scene inject an infest of change?
flow through the veins of whatever you intend to be
the audience isn't listening to your speech
your childish chemical infatuation will shadow you in the lightest places
drowning loved ones faces
into a sad song that plays on the radio of your conscious.

afternoon delight, midnight flight,
rewind the time back to the morning after
wake up call and wake up to regain your sight.
'"I've met you before but can't recall your name."
"I've seen you before but can't remember your face."
a rhetorical line to suit you just fine
to go back, your life is on the emergency line.
all the dreams of youth flushed down the toilet never to be shared
abandon the trip on the high, people wont leave if they care.
Salesman knocking on doors, no one believes the lies your selling
dig amongst the trash, theres no telling
to what you'll find, even if its not what you need
a one way ticket back to yourself

the unplugged radio still plays my song

music is the only way to speak to you when I cannot find the brilliant lines to say

mine is 'this is whats on my mind' vs. your 'this is what's on the line'.

It's 2 am and I'm still awake writing the first thing that comes into my head
My coffee went cold and no short of fantastic, its time for bed.

I don't think I should be hitting repeat on my CD,
Turn it off, shut it off and go to sleep.

This is my addiction that keeps me from destroying myself in the best possible way
I'll find you in the best possible way you don't know how to escape.

Fall Out Boy's Hum Hallelujah

What the hell is with the monkeys in the video for Fall Out Boy's single 'thnks fr th mmrs"?

Fun video all the same. Great song, but this is the best off their CD 'Infinity on High:

Hum Hallelujah

It's all a game of this or that, now versus then
better off against worse for wear
And you're someone who knows someone who knows someone I once knew
And I just want to be a part of this

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions
Hired a construction crew, 'cause it's hell on the engine
And you are the dreamer and we are the dream.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

My words are my faith to hell with our good name.
A remix of your guts-your insides X-rayed
And one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster
we're a bull, your ears are just a china shop

I love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital
One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door
Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.
I could write it better than you ever felt it.

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu...
(Hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah), hum hallelujah (Hum hallelujah))

A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

So hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason
I thought I loved you
It was just how you looked in the light.
A teenage vow in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
Love in a parking lot (Hum hallelujah)
"Till tonight do us part"
A teenage vow in a parking lot
"Till tonight do us part"
I sing the blues and swallow them too

tea and biscuits

I remember Sunday afternoons at 5 o'clock
we used to have cake.
I miss those days as I've grown up
I'll take a Sunday off and bring those memories back
I put the kettle on but it's not the same.

Fixing the world one broken wheel at a time

One night to take it to the grave
back to ones and wait for 2
he's in the mirror and desperate to leave
his reflection on the floor
walk out the door
down to the road that leads to wanting more.

Eyes scratch even when they are closed
like a bleeding heart that chose
she's got her heart on her sleeve
good intentions intact for the vow she seeks
vow not to speak
speak of the life she vows to lead

lead the teenage revolution
into the world's pollution.
The headache of teenage angst can't be cured with a single pill
take the shortcut and watch the clock count down
backwards & forwards
which way will you fall out?
fall out of the middle to nothing you started with.
To the end of the line to collect what's left of the child
I'm a starry eyed child in adults clothing
my teenage years were lost in transition
of my so-called novel for you to read
You're the reflection of life's infection;
teenage wasteland and wasted youth
I lived 15, I'm now 25
what's my excuse?

fairground

I said "I hate rides. I could stay on the bumper cars all day long."
He said "You wouldn't want to go on rides with me as I go on all the fast ones."
I said "Every group needs someone to watch the bags and wallets."

ME

I like my reflection
I have blue eyes
I have small hands
I am 25.
I don't like heights
I am blonde
I've been to florida
I've never been quite fond.
I've never heard the perfect song or met the perfect person
I live under a tarp
I am up & down
I live happily ever after dark.
I like playing songs over and over again
I leave dishes in the sink
I am shy
I don't care what you may think
I am below that, I am above this
I am never around
I am a curse
I can be a teenage drama queen: friend or enemy?
I know I am loved
I am me

baby girl (dear mum + dad)

Flick my eyes into their sockets
to remind myself I'm still alive
Tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth
I'm better with a pen and better off never to forget
sunny days on summer days
outside doesn't reflect the weather inside my mind
You know me better than I know myself
You always pick me up whenever I fall down
when I cry, you are the shoulder
when I laugh, you supply the joke
The child I was is in the past
The teenager I was didn't last
into the person I am now
Where would I be without you around?

Whatever - By Oasis

This song never gets old every time I hear it and makes me want to play the violin:


I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to say whatever I
Whatever I like
If it's wrong or right it's alright
Always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fuss
Get a grip on yourself
It don't cost much
Free to be whatever you
Whatever you say
If it comes my way it's alright
You're free to be wherever you
Wherever you please
You can shoot the breeze if you want
It always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fuss
Get a grip on yourself
It don't cost much
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Here in my mind
You know you might find
Something that you
You thought you once knew
But now it's all gone
And you know it's no fun
Yeah I know it's no fun
Oh I know it's no fun
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright

my pencils are all different colours

I found a lucky penny
it didn't give me any luck
there's a ringing in my ear
my life is on the other line
my new shoes aren't for walking
my sneakers are purple, my others were green
open up my blue eyes
pull back my yellow hair
I've packed a water bottle
I won't forget my keys

Holiday

My toes in the sand
I'm afraid of the ocean so I'll stay ashore
ice cream and white shorts don't mix
sunblock became my guardian against everything I don't want my skin to adopt.

Sandcastles and sea shells, the kids and a ball.
I could lie here forever with no where else to care about
The blue sky keeps me smiling
I don't want it to end but thats what holidays are for
just an escape from the real world until its time to head back
in the hotel my suitcase calls my name

Music and Lyrics

some of my choice soundtrack music to listen to as I'm writing:

Panic! At The Disco
Fall Out Boy
The Academy Is..
Dido
Ben Folds Five
David Gray
Aqualung
I Am Sam Soundtrack
Wicker Park Soundtrack
Great Expectations Soundtrack
Garden State Soundtrack
The Last Kiss Soundtrack
Keane
Starsailor
Corrine Bailey Rae
The Music
Girl, Interrupted Soundtrack
Johnny Cash
The Corrs
Natalie Imbruglia

For my 'break time': Introducing Joss Stone - Joss Stone and 'Life In Cartoon' - Mika

This list changes so often, depending on the mood, but they're some of my most played.

L.O.V.E

My Sisters are my best friends
My Sisters are my worst enemies
My Brother is younger than me, my brother is older than me
My Brothers are funnier than me
My Mum is my own guardian angel
My Mum is a woman not to be messed with
My Dad is my own superhero
My Dad is always there to end a fight
My Nan is watching me from above
My Nan was never short of sharing her love for us all
My Granddad is a wonderful giant with a kind heart
My Granddad says 'fuck them all'.
My Friends are on the lookout for me
My Friends will never let me loose sight
They've seen me when I am great
They've seen me when I am bad
They've seen me when I was a baby
They will see me as a lady
They will know if I lie, cheat, steal, soar, fall, love, lose love,
wonder if I am ok alone, don't pick up the phone, on my way home.
They will see me through everything life will throw in my way

when it rains it pours

Standing in the pouring rain
Never seems to end
I need an umbrella to get me out
Will the sun surface again?
I’m diving my way into destruction,
Give me a hand and guide the way
Finding my way through the dark
Back to where I’ll stay
My umbrella’s broken again
Can I use yours?
It always take so long to find another
You always see past my flaws

all the glue in the world couldn't hold this together

take this
take that
give in, get out before it all begins,
before it could ever really begin.
You’ve been here before, standing in the same spot wishing for the next step.
She says 'I'm not interested that way'. U say 'thanks for the kiss' and you’re on your way.
Back to square one, before anything could ever begin,
before anything began, before those thoughts ran through your mind, exploding like a star.
What's the point? To live, take a chance on something like never before?
It's overrated, you’ll be fine on your own.
Will U be fine on your own? we all worry about being alone.
we all worry about going mad.
Mad by yourself, mad for someone who doesn't feel the same way.
It's overrated, you’ve got yourself.
Thanks for the kiss, it was only a kiss. was it only a kiss?
Shake it off, walk it off, give yourself a break.
get a life support that doesn't include the thought of her.
the thought of her makes you smile, wonder.
wonder why the hell nothing came about, went out and fell to the floor.
Take yourself off the market, take yourself to the dock.
throw her into the deepest part of the ocean, that's where she‘ll find you.
standing over the dock, watching her sink.
watching her stink of her own ego as she work the room into a frenzy.
You’ll be in the back, watching your reflection.
Overrated she. She’s not you and she'll never get you.
She pulls the trigger all wrong,
You’re loaded and ready to face the world once again
U can't stand on your own two feet, but it's worth a shot
A shot You’ll take to shake off the thought
pull the trigger in a perfect world.